I'm feeling incredibly strange... deeply perplexed in a way. I'm terribly confused and I have no idea what is happening to me or what my long term goals are. Not so much intellectually as emotionally. It's as if I've somehow found myself as a miniscule pulsating glow surrounded by deep fog as far as anyone can see. I do not know where I stand. People talk to me but I feel as though I am drifting further away from them. I seem to be constructing a sort of barrier with which to isolate myself while I feel that I do not wish to be isolated.

Somehow, my subconsious self is attempting to retreat deeper within the depths of my mind. But it will not explain why. Through powers beyond my control, my own mind is rebelling against itself. Is it peace I seek? It's as if my world has been uprooted but I am still underground, unchanged. I know that I am terrified of change....But what does it all mean?

I had an extremely odd dream last night as well. Prevalent was the theme of nostalgia, a sort of longing for the way things were but also a theme of change that to me while dreaming seemed positive but once I had awaken I did not like.

I think I had prefered the darkness that surrounded me before. If directly because of my own feelings but of being included with many other people who themeselves were dark and brooding. Somehow, being swept away in universal misery I felt alive, I felt as though I existed and I felt comfortable.

Now that has all changed. I no longer have the opportunity to see these people. The only social contact in my day to day life at the moment are those who are far too comfortable in their own happiness that it causes discomfort and unhappiness in myself. With no one to share this unhappiness I'm left alone and this is why I think I feel as perplexed as I do.

There is a certain level of misery that must be kept, for the sake of balance. Previously, this had been filled with the loneliness that I constantly feel as well as the misery of friends which I could sense among them. Now that those friends are gone -- for the sole purpose that we had parted ways -- there is just my loneliness which is now in a vaccuum that sucks my emotions dry.

I feel... no, I fear that I am changing. I do not want to change. Change is a frightening and difficult concept for me. I cannot let go of what was, or what might have been, whether I want to or not. I do not want to know what will happen, what can happen, or what lies ahead because I was happy then. I was comfortable then. I am not so in the present. And this worries me.

Thanks for listening